The Latest Transition

I have become more comfortable with the idea that life is a series of transitions. And, just like in childbirth, transition is definately the worst time of the delivery. I said to William the other day, "I don't think I can handle this painful uncomfortable feeling for very long." And he reminded me of how quickly transition in labor occurs. Well, if he is right, this unknowing, excited, nervous feeling won't last for three months like I'm afraid it will.

To continue the birth metaphor, I also feel like I have no idea what the "baby" will be. I still don't know whether or not I'll be accepted to Wheaton. The "pregnancy" of realizing I wanted to go, getting the application, applying, thinking about it etc. has lasted for 10 months now. The Lord has had me working through the process of giving up that dream if it is not His dream for me, and I can honestly say that at this moment I feel like I can trust him to lead me to the place that will be best for me. So, if I don't get accepted, we really have no clue where we will end up. And if I do get accepted, there are still real hurdles to getting there before that is a sure thing. Ehhhhh

I am excited to see what happens. I am encouraged by your comments on William's blog, and really, I feel a lot of joy at the freedom to follow the Lord's leading, whatever that may be.

A Little Fashion Fun

We have been talking about letting Abby color her hair with KoolAid for around 2 years. I guess it is a sign of her personality that she wanted to color her hair (blue at the time) at age 5. So, today at Walmart, I happened upon the 20 cent packet of unsweetened KoolAid, and figured, why not? Here are some photos of the results. My red fingers are not included, but I think the color will last longer on them than Abby's hair.




I also wanted to post some photos from our drive to church on Sunday with snow around. It was gone soon, but definately novel. Our apartment is the building in the bottom photo. We walk up the walk, and our unit is the top balcony in the back.

Catching up

Since last writing, Gretchen and Chris got married, we experienced a real snowfall, and we made camping reservations for April.

The wedding was such a nice one. I loved the music, and it was a very meaningful time. I am happy to say that I think Gretchen and Chris got just the wedding they wanted. Erin's blog has good photos. I took mine with the 35mm camera. Too bad. We had a lot of fun enjoying the festivities, and Madeline, Abigail and Sam were running full steam looking cute and doing funny unique things during the weekend. It was great for them to be with family and friends who don't see them much.

This last weekend we had real snow. It was about 2 inches deep on Saturday night. The kids went out to play with the neighbors. How unusual for us here! Sadly, and a little ridiculously, there were 4 auto accidents on our street. You'd think people would slow down a little during a snowstorm. I guess we are so used to non-hazardous driving conditions that we can't concieve of it being different.

We are borrowing my dad's trailer and going camping over Easter break at San Mateo beach in April. We realized the we needed something unusual to look forward to, and it all worked out. I definately wouldn't have tent camped in April. We tried that a couple of years ago at San Simeon State Beach. After 3 night of 42 degree weather, and constant wind, I decreed that we must get to a hotel for the last night. Otherwise it wouldn't have counted as a vacation. More like affliction. So, that last night we really enjoyed ourselves cleaning up in a jet bathtub, and being out of the wind. I learned my optimistic lesson on that front. This time we should be fine in a trailer with a heater. I'm looking forward to it.

A Little Chess

Years ago, William taught me how to play chess. We played a lot, and I learned the basics. I finally stopped playing, though, because I never won. I am not very competative, but when my only experience of chess was losing, it just got a little old. The question was, "Do I feel like losing a game tonight?" rather than, "Do I feel like playing a game tonight?" I realized that I simply had no concept of how to go on the offensive and win. I could only defend until the inevitable end.

Lately, William and the girls have been playing after dinner. He keeps asking me to play too, but until last night I held out. As we played, I experienced anew the fresh experience of Chess with William.


Last night I actually gave him a run for his money. But I was helped immensely by the fact that twice during the game I was clued into his errors by his audible gasp as he realized his mistakes. (Nor did I let him take back the moves...What is chess anyway, but an exploitation of your opponent's errors?) I spent a couple of minutes figuring out what he saw, and for a while I was definately ahead. We played a pretty even game, but he finally did win. We each had a pawn and king on the board. This first photo is what William looked like upon his victory. He actually thought he'd lose, so his joy and delight were even more pronounced. In this next photo, he is showing Madeline (and Abigail, but not fully clothed) exactly what peices were left on the board before his luck turned around. Here are some quotes, "I have never won a game from that far down!" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Heh heh heh". I actually wrote them down because it was so over the top. There were others, equally colorful, which I could't capture in time. So, we had some excitement.



























It actually ended up being fun, even if I did lose. I might continue for a while, and maybe I'll beat him sometime. I'll let you know.

Aging and Growing Up

I've been thinking about aging, and the passing of time, and the kids growing up lately. It started off when I was in Barnes and Noble, and in the background they were playing a Cure song off the "Kiss me, Kiss me" album. That was the theme album of my summer before 9th grade, and it was definately edgy then. So of course I had to reflect on the fact that it is basically Muzak now, and how wierd that I have all these memories built with the Cure as the soundtrack. And, again, I am aware that I must be the target audience for that background music. Just like those Honda Odyssey advertisments. If you do the math, I am exactly the target for those too. And, scarily, I'd like a Honda Odyssey. I'm feeling a little too predictable.

We passed a major milestone this week. I have been addicted to Sam having a number of pacifiers for bedtime. Yes, I know, he's way too old for a pacifier. But I've never taken them away because of my own need for him to have one. So, it was time for both of us to go off cold turkey. I decided to do what the Dollars did with Justin. He was allowed to "buy a toy" with his pacifier. I found a Thomas DVD with Percy engine attached; a very desireable aquisition. Sam was all excited about buying a Thomas video with his pacifiers. We gathered up all the ones we could find, put them in a baggie, and took them down to Hollywood Video. Incidentally, they all know me by first name-I'm there so much-Is it a bad thing? So, the girl behind the counter was happy to play along. Sam handed over the baggie solomnly, and it was over.

The first night he was sad, and cried some. He took Percy engine to bed with him, although it was small consolation for the artificial suckle. But he eventually fell to sleep. Last night was better, and I think tonight will be fine. Incidentally, his very chapped lips are also healing up.

So, we have crossed the potty training milestone, and the pacifier milestone. Just in time for his June 4 year old birthday. Heh Heh. I feel a sense of freedom, as my life slowly becomes less complicated.

A Good Movie

Last night I watched a movie that my Grandma Cox recommended called "Ladies in Lavender". It was really good; I'm going to watch it again with William soon. It felt like Babbett's Feast; taking place in a small English coastal village, with two aged sisters, played by Maggie Smith and Judy Dench, sharing a house. I found myself tremendously enjoying the beauty of the film, and wanting the slow, quiet lifestyle they lived. I definately recommend it.

My Little Zoo Tycoon

I just had the funniest conversation with Madeline. And it got me thinking....

Madeline likes to play Zoo Tycoon 2. It is a computer game where you create a zoo. You build the fences, put the animals in, keep them fed etc. They have babies, and life goes on. Another aspect of the game are the visitors to the zoo, and the employees. You have to tell the employees what to do, or they sit on benches all the time. And you have to keep the visitors happy.

Keeping the visitors happy is work. They need food, entertainment, trashcans, bathrooms, paths that reach the animals and people to teach them things. The visitors can get angry. They throw trash on the ground. They get mad if they can't find a donation box. They don't like standing in long lines. Madeline was pretty overwhelmed with the demands of the visitors at first. She got harried when they were upset. She got mad that they were so demanding. So, she began to solve the problems in a number of ways.

First, she tried to meet all their needs. She gave them everything they needed, and spent less time on the animals. But they still had their problems. Next, she decided to keep all the visitors out by never opening the zoo. That way they weren't there to be a problem, and she could do what she wanted with the animals. That was fun for a while. But today, she told me about the ultimate solution.

She made a cage with really tall fences, and no door. She can pick the people up, and move them to the cage. So, when they get angry, she just moves them. In the cage, she puts everything they need, including the Kangaroo Bouncy Rides that they love so much. And when they are happy again, she moves them out. Which takes a long time. They are able to leave the zoo on their own, so some of them just vanish. Good riddence.

I laughed and laughed at this newest solution. And then I got to thinking about how sometimes we are more happy when we are in bondage, than free. It is scary to hold the power of free will. Why can't God just give me a safe place to live where I can eat and drink and ride on Kangaroo Bouncy Rides? How about some leeks and garlic? The safety of the fences that I create for myself can seem more appealing than the uncertian fresh air and potential danger that the Lord lets me live in. But, in the great unknown, I get to experience God. He speaks to me, and lets me dream. And as I choose, I begin to know Him better. I have found out that He is not a punishing God. Yes, He allows consequences for my choices. But He is there to walk with me through them, and teach me new things as I do it.

I have also found that the Lord lets us live within our tall cage as long as we want. But slowly, over time, the cage becomes less and less appealing. We begin to suffer pain from our lies and safety measures, and eventually the part in all of us that wants freedom begins to cry out. God will not force us to leave our cages, but he waits until we want it bad enough to be humble, and then He can take us by the hand and lead us out of our bondage. It is hard to watch from the other side of the fence when others have a really high pain tolerance, and they suffer. But each person has to get sick of their cage walls before they can humble themselves and take the Lord's hand and walk out.

I have come through my process with a lot of hope for myself and others. It has been amazing for me to see how the Lord does the work of freedom in such a gentle and speedy way, once I surrender my own ways of protecting myself. And of course, it is an ongoing process. He shows me cages in myself that I didn't know about when it's time to leave them. My guess is that I'll learn the extent of my own bondage once I get to heaven. But for now, I'll go with what He shows me.

Into the New Year

We are on the road to recovery from the Holiday season. This week we got a cold, so the kids and I stayed home together. It was nice to have a week of down time. And, the house got totally out of control. So today we worked all day doing the much needed cleaning job to get things back to normal.

Reflecting on this Holiday season, we are realizing that we do too much at Christmas and New Year's. We went to six family gatherings, and spent two nights with family friends in San Diego over New Year's. I'd say that overall it was fun, but the hecticness of showing up everywhere at Christmas began to take away the specialness of the Season. We are going to rethink our methods and priorities for next year.

My two favorite gifts this year were from William. He gave me a food processer, and a Leatherman Tool. I've had fun using both lately.

Yesterday I mailed off my Wheaton application. We'll see what happens with that in early April.

Happy New Year to all of you!

Christmas Photos

You can see a little of how much Sam loves the train. He spends most the day playing with it. We had a fun time getting ready for Christmas.

The Christmas Train

I will have some photos as soon as I find the cord to load them onto the computer. Last night we got our Christmas tree, and unearthed some of our decorations. It was especially fun and special because this is the first Christmas in three that we are in our own home. I haven't enjoyed the Christmas set up this much before. The kids are also old enough to really join in and have fun.

We have a train that we put around the bottom of the tree. It makes a lot of noise, and even puts out some smoke. Sam is totally in love with it. He was so excited last night when we got it out, and all he wants to do is play with the train. At bedtime, he wanted to take the whole thing with him into his crib. We told him that he could only take the engine, and even that was hard for him. But we got him to bed with out too many tears at leaving the beloved train. He is able to get it all aligned on the track, which isn't the easiest thing. I can tell that he will have major memories over this.

I have also been having fun with Madeline and Abigail this year. They are getting so big, and I can trust them with more responsiblity. Madeline and I were carrying a heavy box full of Christmas stuff up the stairs, and she was walking backwards. I was looking into her face as we walked, and I was thinking, "Baby Madeline is helping me carry a big box upstairs. This is so wierd." I can't believe how fast they grow. Abby has been a great helper to me lately too. She unlocks the front door, gets the mail for me, and likes to be independant. Yesterday I let her buy herself some gum with her own money. She loves to make choices for herself. I am enjoying seeing the differences between the girls as they grow.

That Suspended Feeling

William and I are in kind of a strange place in life right now. We know that it is getting to be time to move on from "the desert" and we can tell that changes are coming. Its exciting to be anticipating new things. However, we don't know what the new things will be. We have a number of different options in the hopper.

Most of you know that I am applying to Wheaton College to finish up my degree. Lots of hurdles have to be crossed if that is going to happen...Getting accepted, financial aid, William's job, a place to live and so on. If we actually make it there I feel like its a miracle. There are other possibilities too...William's exact job is up in the air. He has decided not to pursue Special Education, since it requires so much more schooling, at least here in California. So, there are questions about what will happen next year.

I have this picture in my head of me: I am leaping, suspended in mid-air with a really goofy grin on my face. I am excited about the future, but I have no clue where I am going to land. It's a little exhausting. In the meanwhile, William is applying for anything that sounds like fun, or a viable possiblility. Throw lots of bread out into the water, and see what comes back. I'll be just as excited as anyone to see what happens.

On the home front, Sam got a fever about three days ago for 36 hours stright. The day before yesterday, his whole mouth broke out in canker sores. He no longer had a fever, but I took him to the doctor yesterday. The doctor thought it was just cold sores. She said that it is normal for little kids to get a fever the first time they get canker sores. OK. So, today he is feeling a lot better. He still has canker sores, but they don't seem as painful. I hope this doesn't happen again soon.

Madeline and Abigail got two small fake trees from Grandma DeHart which they put in their room and decorated. I'm really enjoying this first Christmas season in three years in our own place. It is going to be exciting to get out the old decorations and put up the tree this week. I also made an advent wreath, and we are doing the readings together on Sunday nights. The girls are getting old enough to really enjoy and remember special meaning and traditions.

The Latest

Well, let's see here. It's been a while, and lots has happened. We had a nice Thanksgiving at Gma & Gpa Seelye's house. It has been a few years since we spent it with them, so that was fun. Before going there, we went with Heather and David to a park, and the kids played while we talked. It was fun to watch Madeline, Abigail and Espen zoom around on their scooters. Sam (3) and Able (4) get along well. They are almost exactly one year apart, and are getting old enough to really communicate. I love hearing their little conversations. In the car on the way back from Edwards Air Force Base last month I heard this one:

(lots of shooting noises)
"Do you have any guns?" (Able)
"My mom is going to buy me 100 guns." (Sam, a little unsure, for good reason)
(lots of shooting noises)

We really enjoyed having five days off for the holiday. It was great to sleep in, and spend time with each other, and relatives. On Friday we went over to the DeHarts, where Jenna made gingerbread houses with the kids. Its the kind of project I definately don't want to tackle. But they had a lot of fun. Here are some photos.


Sam's house was made by Jacquie and me, mostly. He ate a lot of candy.

Abby's house looks great front and back...

Madeline's had beautiful decorations all over the roof, but then there was some structural damage...It was still fun.

I made myself a purse that I am rather proud of. I needed something bigger than my very old leather one, and I got some fabric and zipper for less than $5. Jacquie gave me the lining fabric, which I love.



For the last month or so I have been reading from my Norton's Anthology of Early American Literature. I realized that I had very little awareness of the timeline for American events, like John Smith's arrival in America, and whether or not it was before or after the Pilgrims. So, I've been reading all these journal entries, and official documents. It has been fascinating to me. I am really gaining an appreciation for how America started, and what the hopes and dreams of the people were. It is making me value America more. So this Thanksgiving had a lot more meaning for me than usual. It definately put into perspective a cross country move. At least I'm not on a boat for months from Holland, stuck with 100 people below deck the size of a volley ball court, arriving at an uninhabited country in the dead of winter with no food. It a miracle the Pilgrims survived at all.

I made my first full Thanksgiving dinner for our family. Granted, I did use a 7 lb chicken instead of a Turkey, but the process and side dishes were the same. It was fun to realize that I can make good gravy and stuffing. I feel more confident for future years.

Oh, I also have to include this photo of some soft pretzles I made. They tasted great.

Homeschooling Abigail

The latest in Abigail's schooling saga...Abby started out this year repeating first grade. Some of you may know that we held Madeline back last year to get strong in reading. So she was in Second grade while Abby was in first. At the end of first grade, Abby was reading at end of kidnergarten level, so we decided to hold her back this year. We realized that our kids just needed that extra year to develop into readers before we sent them on. So, Abigail is more socially aware, and really didn't want to be at school. Every morning she'd announce that she wasn't going, and then when it was time to get out of the car she'd cling to me and beg to stay with me. Poor thing. So, we started asking her all the usual questions about how she felt about school. Nothing specific seemed wrong...but I started to think about homeschooling. Will and I both thought it might be a good idea, and we asked Abby what she thought. She got all excited, but needed a couple days to think about it. In the end, we all felt it was best, and we started last week. I talked to her teacher at the parent teacher conference about it, and she could see the pros too. She gave me some input on what to practice, and I'm using the same phonics book they use in the class.

So, Abby and I are enjoying it. Since it is a repeat of first grade, it is pretty relaxing...my main goals are to get her reading and writing well, learn to hold her pencil correctly, and keep up in everything else. We do cooking projects once a week, and also go to the Palmdale children's library for lots of books to read to each other. It is nice to have time together that we havn't had before, and it's good for Abby and Sam to play by themselves too.

Another exciting event: Today Sam stuck a dry piece of rice in his ear, and was trying to get it out. I immediately started imagining the trip to the doctor, but thankfully I was able to get it out with tweezers while he sat very still. Whew.

Still more about Fall

The last few weeks I have composed a number of blogs in my mind, but have never sat down to write them. We've been doing lots of fun fall events...Visiting a local pumpkin patch, seeing an air show at Edwards Air Force base with Heather and the kids, homeschooling Abigail, going to Halloween parties, and lots of cooking. As I type, my hands smell like onion because I am making stock (thank you Carol for the particulars) from a chicken carcass, and I threw in the onions after checking up on Carol's blog to make sure I did it right.

Here are some photos from the last month or so...

Domesticity Fever

I have been inspired by a number of things...Laura Ingles' Farmer Boy, which I'm reading outloud to the girls, the rainy fall weather, and a love of baking to engage in some fun food projects. On Friday, while Madeline was spending the night at a friend's house, Abby and I made bread. We got the recipe from her kid's cookbook, and Abby did a lot of the work kneading it. The point of the bread was to make fun shapes with the dough. So, the flavor wasn't great, and it only rose once, so it was pretty dense. But we ate it for dinner and it was tasty. Today, I made stew, and right before dinner the girls and I made little apple pies in muffin tins. I let Abby make the dough, again from the kid's cookbook, and Madeline cut up the apples and mixed in the spices and sugar. Sam got in the way. The pies are cute, and tasty.

We had a real storm that started Saturday night, and is still going now, on Monday. We have enjoyed thunder and lightning. While out driving today, (to buy candles due to some random power outages) I got to splash through big floods in the street, and also through a small river on a side road. It's an adventure driving in the rain out here in the desert. The water goes wherever it wants; across streets and everything. You just never know where the low points are until it rains. I'm enjoying this seasonal shift.

The Van Gets Some Love

I am happy to say that today we finally sold our '89 Ford Van, and used the money immediately to buy tires, fix the alignment, and get the front brakes and roters done in our newer '94 Mazda MPV. It cost exactly what the other van sold for. So, while I was excited to have some extra money for about six hours, I am also glad to know that our Mazda is safe and reliable. We knew that we'd have to get the work done this month, so I'd say that the Lord provided just what we needed. And, on a happy note, we no longer have to pay to insure the old van.

Happy Birthday Madeline!

Today is Madeline's ninth birthday. It's hard for me to believe she's this old. I remember being nine myself. To celebrate today we made cupcakes for her class, and Madeline got to choose what to eat for dinner. She choose the all-you-can-eat Chinese food restaurant in town. We all enjoy it, and the self-serve ice cream for dessert is every kid's dream. Madeline had two bowls. Last night we also had cupcakes and Madeline's had nine candles. It was fun to honor her today. She is a blessing.

A Day in the Life

I thought it would be fun to post pictures of what happened after school at our house yesterday. The kids have been begging me to let them attack the last quarter of watermelon like I did last week. They made short and sticky work of it.

After eating the melon, and cleaning up their room, they went outside on our "front lawn" to play. It was a beautiful day, so all the other kids who play there too were over. I got to talk to one of the moms for a while. Here are all our neighbor kids.















I also got a shot of the doll house bush that the girls were putting together.

Hit the Fan

Some of you may have chosen to stop reading the sometimes painful "discussion" going on at Will's Blog. There's a lot of poop in the air over there. But really, you just must go look again. You'll see a portrait of the man I married. It's worth the cost of admission, and upkeep. You can see here too that The Wig made it onto all of us, or at least near us. Sam wouldn't let me touch him with the thing, and Abby was too horrified to show her face. Here we are.

The Eyes of Tammy Faye

Will and I rented a really interesting documentary all about Tammy Faye, her life, the whole PTL scandal and what has happened since then. I was only in Jr. High when the Bakker's ministry came crashing down. I didn't know many of the details. It was so fascinating to learn the timeline and what happened. We came away with the realization that being raised in California in the Evangelical culture, we were very unaware of a huge Christian flow that existed in other parts of the country.

I remember Grandmother Shackelford watching the 700 Club when she babysat us. We thought it was crazy...all the crying and hand raising and makeup. But I see now how previlant that experience and culture is/was for so many Christians. And I also believe that they were experiencing the Lord in an authentic way.

As I have moved into and experienced the Charismatic church, I have gotten to see the pendulum swing to the other side. On one side, as Evangelicals, we focus strongly on correct doctrine, reasonable faith, knowing the Bible and using it as our road map. As Charismatics, we focus strongly on hearing and knowing God in relationship through the Holy Spirit, finding direction on a daily basis from the Lord, and making spiritual reality part of our daily life. Both Evangelicals and Charismatics have keys that are necessicary for a balanced life of faith.

I remember feeling in College that we talked all about relationship with Christ, and we studied it, but I really couldn't say that I knew what that looked like. How do you talk to and hear from someone you can't see or hear? That question has been at the back of my mind for all these years. And I now feel that I have found an answer to that question. It's not in how much I know about God, or how many Bible verses I have memorized. It is through the Holy Spirit, who makes God known to me in a surprisingly tangible way. Yet it really isn't surprising. Jesus said that he had to leave so that he could send the Holy Spirit to be our comforter, counselor and teacher.

Tammy Faye has many things about her that can be offensive. She openly embraces homosexuals, she wears more makeup than anyone I've ever seen. She has been divorced and remarried, she loves to be on TV, and in front of a camera. She also demonstrates Christlike love to people who are easy to condemn. And isn't that exactly what Jesus did? Wasn't that his offense too? She talks constantly about forgiveness, and how to love. And she has had a lot to forgive. When it comes right down to it, I can learn more about Christ from her than I thought I could.